Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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