i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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