You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
