Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
