Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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