you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
