my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Welp...herpes.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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