Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
