The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My penis needs a shock collar
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
