I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
