theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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