True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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