She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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