I puked a lego.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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