went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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