finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
