I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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