I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize