I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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