Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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