I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
