I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
