We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
