My liver just broke up with me...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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