one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
