kristin has been a bad kristin
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
