I cut my penus on the lid.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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