Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
