i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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