Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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