im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
