hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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