Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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