Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
