I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
