Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
