I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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