i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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