That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
