All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
