Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
