If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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