***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
