Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
