hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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