mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
