"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
