I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
