how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize