its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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