Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
