Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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