The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
