nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
