i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
