I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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