i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
