Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
