bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize